Have you ever heard of paradoxical effect? I hadn’t until it happened to me. It is when a person has a reaction to a medication that is opposite of what the drug is meant to treat. For example, taking a pain pill that ends up causing you pain. Yup, fun right? Let me tell you how fun:
In 2018, after my hysterectomy, the hospital staff gave me morphine for the pain. They put it on a pump that was controlled by the push of a button, so it would only dispense when I felt I needed it. When I finally got to the point where I felt I needed it, I pressed the button. Only, instead of getting the relief I hoped for, I got a horrible searing pain up my arm and into my chest. It was as though I could feel the liquid spreading into my body and it was causing a fiery path of destruction on its course through my system. I started having even worse pain than before and the nurse came in to check on me, but found nothing really wrong. I had to wait hours for that pain to subside. I would have rather been in the discomfort I’d been in before Morphine. After that, they switched me to Ketorolac and I did fine with that and everyone just shrugged off the event.
For years. I’ve have adverse reactions to medications, but mostly they were common side effects. Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, fatigue, chills, sweating, etc. So, it was never considered anything serious or concerning. The doctors and nurses even made excuses for the Morphine such as that it burned due to lack of dilution or that it wasn’t the medication at all and rather an air bubble caught in my chest. But then we learned something new in April of 2019.
I suffer from clinical depression, an onset symptom post-hysterectomy. So, I spoke with my gynecologist and he prescribed Amitriptyline. He suggested that I take it at night because it typically causes sleepiness, so I took it before bed, passed right out, and awoke late the next morning. At first, I was surprised I had slept so long. I thought: man, that stuff really does knock you out and I tried to force myself awake. Only, it wasn’t as easy a feat as I had thought it would be. I was feeling heavy and my head was swimming and keeping my eyes open was a task all on its own. Then dizziness set in and I knew something strange was happening.
I managed to push myself into a seated position and that made things worse. I felt this tingling start in my feet and spread upward, along with a feeling of weakness. I reached back and woke my husband. I told him, “something’s wrong.” He asked me what was going on and I said, “I don’t know. I just don’t feel right.” Something in my voice or demeanor must have convinced him because he became instantly alert. He asked if he should call paramedics or take me to the hospital and I said something along the lines of ‘I don’t know’ and then passed out.
I came to on the floor, with my husband leaning over me, panicking, pleading with me to breath. I couldn’t open my eyes, but I could hear him and feel him and then there was a second voice — a dispatcher on the phone calmly instructing my husband what to do. Apparently I was hardly breathing and unresponsive and he was about to start CPR. I begged my lungs to work and somehow forced some breath out. My husband sighed with relief and encouraged me to keep going. It was such an effort and I was so exhausted, but I kept trying. Then a new symptom kicked in. I started convulsing. My entire body involuntarily started to shake and I had absolutely no control over it. It hurt and was scary and I couldn’t even move my lips to speak and tell my husband anything. My body’s freaking out, I can’t talk, I’m barely breathing, pain and tingling has taken over every limb and I’m scared. More scared than I have ever been. I didn’t want to die. I wasn’t ready to die.
The next thing I remember was hearing my husband on the phone with my Mom, telling her that paramedics had just arrived and were taking me to the hospital. I sensed the commotion around me and heard a lot of people talking all at once. Then someone was speaking directly to me. A paramedic was asking me questions and looking me over, only I couldn’t respond. He checked my pupils and for the first time in I wasn’t sure how long, I saw the room. There were EMTs everywhere and my bedroom was a disaster. They were bringing in equipment and bags and a stretcher and telling me things that I could hardly concentrate on. It was frightening, to say the least. Then they slid a board beneath my back and prepared to carry me out. When they velcroed me on for safety, I screamed. the tiny teeth of the velcro felt like a thousand little needles stabbing into my arm and I panicked. What was happening to me?? It scared them, too, but they knew time was of the essence, so they apologized, reassured me, and rushed me to the ambulance.
I only remember bits and pieces of things and most of it seemed fantastical to me, like a bad movie or horrible nightmare, but I do recall the ride to the hospital. By then, my convulsing was coming in waves. They would rock my whole body for a full minute or so and then die down again. Another minute or two later, they’d rattle me again. The paramedics were commenting on how it was probably just a panic attack and that I was overreacting to something. As if I couldn’t hear them. Inside my head I was screaming, It’s not a panic attack! This isn’t anxiety! Something is very wrong! Please help me! But they couldn’t hear that and they called it in to the hospital as a likely anxiety attack. Jerks.
I don’t remember arriving or being put in a room, but I do remember being in a small room with nurses rushing around to help me. They were restraining me because of the convulsions, which only heightened my sensations of pain and that electric tingling sensation and, in turn, my terror. I felt like things were getting worse and I was sure they weren’t going to figure it out in time. I could see my deceased Grandfather in the corner of the room, scared, sad, and waiting. I just knew my time was short. My husband was holding my hand, shaking, and telling the staff that it had to be the medication, it just had to be. My parents, having arrived at some point, were peeking inside the room and my Dad was mouthing I love you. Imagine that. Your parents so scared that they are saying their goodbyes from a doorway as hospital personnel work to save your life from an unknown force.
I’ve got oxygen on and my levels are low. I go into a tachycardic episode, and my body bolts up. I grab a nurse’s arm and somehow ground out, “please.” She looks at me, absolutely terrified, and I manage, “s-scared.” Then my heart does something that sets off alarms and the staff rushes everyone out of the room. My husband is repeating that he’s right there and that he loves me. My parents are moved into the hall, crying. The doctor demands a crash cart and they quickly wheel one in. All of this in a matter of seconds. Then I’m floating out of my body and I’m thinking, Shit, this is it. I don’t want to die like this. No one should die scared. But then my grandpa must have agreed because he came toward me, put his hand on my shoulder, and pressed me back down. I went back into my body and my body went back down to the table. Suddenly, my heart calmed and my body relaxed.
They took blood at some point during the melee and even though they were convinced I was overdosing on cocaine, it came back that I was having a reaction to the Amitriptyline, after all. After pumping me full of Benadryl and Ativan, I eventually became stable and they monitored me overnight. I was okay. I still continued to have little quakes and weird uncontrollable movements of my hands, but I was breathing and my heart rate had returned to normal, so everyone was pleased.
The next morning, I was extremely sore and exhausted from the ordeal both mentally and physically, but I was alive. I walked out of there before lunch the next day and went back home. It was so strange to me that only hours ago, I had almost died and now I was literally up and walking and back home. It was insane and it took me a long time to really come to terms with it. Plus, it took another twenty-one days for my body to completely rid itself of the drug that had almost been my undoing. For almost a month, I was experiencing fatigue, nausea, tingling, anxiety, and a general feeling of unwell. It was during that time that I learned about Amitriptyline and it’s history. It is an outdated drug used for a variety of things, including Fibromyalgia, seizures, panic, depression, anxiety, and pain. That’s when a doctor diagnosed what happened to me as paradoxical effect. Instead of working in my system to stop those types of issues, my body responded by HAVING those issues. I didn’t even know that was possible — but then it happened to me.
I followed up with an allergist and we are still investigating the cause, but since then, this reaction has happened with both Dilaudid and Zofran, so that’s fun. Luckily, I was already in the hospital when those reactions happened. I now am very cautious with introducing new things to my body and I do a lot of research on meds before agreeing to take them. Better safe than sorry.
Let me tell you, there’s nothing as grounding as almost dying at 31 years old from a friggin’ pill. It was because of this that I really started to appreciate things and start down the path of caring for my mental health. I started seeing a therapist and changing my life and really becoming an advocate for my health and researching things and learning more about my disorder. It made me look at things differently and be thankful for the little stuff, like waking up each day. It made me who I am now and every day is a miracle.
I hope it doesn’t take something horrible happening to you to make you realize that life is precious and often too short. That every detail should be appreciated and respected. That it is pointless to live an unauthentic existence, so be true to yourself and live fully. That happiness is what you make of things. That love is beautiful and pure. That some things don’t matter. I hope you learn all this and more before it’s too late. I hope I can help you realize it now and that my writing has some meaning. I hope you go out and experience the day and all it has to offer because you never know what might happen and you should leave this Earth feeling okay with what you have done here. I hope I did something for you. I hope I made a mark.
Watch more here https://youtu.be/D8tPvvgZfxc
Far From Perfect 